When is 80% enough?

When you feel pain like you’ve never experienced, in a part of your body you knew about but have never been formally introduced too outside of your school biology class. When you have the strength to say, enough for today, to ensure that you have a successful tomorrow.

Yes, all these things and many more ran through my mind on day two of my Snowdon Trek/Training Weekend on June 4/5.

The views were fantastic!

Day one:
We climbed Cwm Idwall, Tryfan Glyders and descended down Devils Kitchen. The guides told us at the end of our 10hr day that they had intentionally made day one much harder and more difficult, with the belief that if we could cope we’d easily manage Kilimanjaro. So I completed day one, but my legs suffered with the climb down Devils Kitchen.  Little did I know at the end of day one, how much I’d put my legs through.

Day two:
We rose early – now the interesting thing about this morning was upon getting out of the bunk, realizing what little mobility I had in my legs. It felt like I had concrete strapped to my groin and down my inner legs. Standing at the top of the staircase staring at each step with trepidation with my towel and toothbrush in hand, getting down the stairs seemed impossible, never mind up Snowdon. Gathering myself together I practically slid down the stair case, right shoulder against the wall and feet angled out to the far left hand corner of each step. It was like teasing an ironing board down the stairs.
Getting ready was slow, and mentally I was thinking, “You’ll be fine, you just need to get walking and warm up, your muscles are cold is all”.

On the way up Cwm Idwall and Tryfan Glyders

We go to Snowdon, started trekking, the weather blew in – I stopped to put my wet weather gear on and off we went. It was heavy going, stepping up big boulders, rocks/steps – constantly looking for the small stones/rocks in between to make the going a little easier. Within 20-30minutes I couldn’t see the main group, they were way ahead of me and yet again I was at the back of the bus. To keep me company and keep an eye on me I had Harvey, one of our experienced trek guides and Kate from the British Heart Foundation. The weather was wet, the cloud and mist blew in which did make it disorientating. After a couple of hours my legs already felt like I’d walked all day and the pain in my groin hadn’t lessened any – it was simply changing volume and intensity. Harvey was so kind and patient with me, I was only too well aware of slow I was going and he could tell how much discomfort I was in, even though I didn’t say anything for the first few hours. Then as the hours passed, Harvey gently started to mention that I didn’t have to get to the top today… My heart sank, I felt tears welling up. I said ‘I didn’t want to give up’ I swallowed the tears back and kept saying ‘Come on Andy, Come on darling I know you’re with me’. As I came to the 4 1/2 hour mark, I stopped, raised my head to Harvey and said ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll get to the top today’. I had under estimated the pain, and the effort it takes having that pain and discomfort. So in short we carried on walking for about another 90minutes, then up ahead through the clouds and mist Harvey announced he could see the track down the mountain – the miners trek. I could just make it out, jaggedly making its way down the side of Snowdon.
Another 2 ½ hours later and we were at the bottom, sat on a bench in the car park. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I felt overwhelmed, disappointed and felt I’d let myself and Andy down – as the tears came to my eyes (behind my sunglasses) I looked up to the point where Harvey said we were, 20% off the summit.

Me and Snowdon

Looking back, 80% was huge for me, especially after the mammoth 10hr walk/climb/scramble on Saturday. I found it hard not walking with the main group, I felt like I wasn’t bonding and socializing with them – just by the very nature of me being at the back of the bus for 2 days. I felt like a bit of a failure, no one wants to be last.

But then on further reflection, upon one of my many chats with Andy – I reminded myself how far I’d come. What I had already achieved to get me to this point, and whilst it’s going to get harder, my fitness and mental strength will also get better.

Refocusing my energy with regards to my bereavement and loss isn’t always easy, and sounds easy when typing it up like this. But the alternatives are too much, too real, too overwhelming and the pain is too much to bear – so this for me is right…for right now. 
Those dark heavy days are always there, I feel them constantly, its something I carry with me. But doing something for Andy…well, I could climb every mountain in the world and it would never be enough.

I miss you darling – you’ll never know how much. Fx

Conquering Snowdon this weekend

Here's my itinrary for this weekend's expedition up Snowdon. See a webcam of Snowdon right now, here!

Snowdon

FRIDAY
Arrive at Jess James Bunkhouse, Nr Llanberis, Gwynedd by 18.30 for a evening meal and briefing.
During this briefing, I will learn more abuot altitude sickness.

SATURDAY
Breakfast will be available from 6.30, there will be food available to make up my pack lunch. We will aim to depart from Jesse James Bunkhouse at 7.30am for a Tryfan and Glydders. We will stop for an hour lunch and then aim to to shower and change before we have dinner!

SUNDAY
6.30am – breakfast, we will aim to leave by 7.30am to summit Snowdon. We aim to be down off Snowdon by 2pm so that I can prepare for my departure home.

Yikes!